5 Signs He Is No Good For You

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Illustration by Tallulah Fontaine / Via tallulahfontaine.com

Sorry about it. I know you really like this person. This guy. But he’s no good. You know deep down that he is no good. The signs are there. Let’s talk about the signs, and then after, there will be a song.

First: He makes you feel amazing and then awful.

You know those maniac goblin children that burn bugs with magnifying glasses? Well in this situation, you’re the bug, and this guy is the maniac goblin child with the magnifying glass. He’s shining some hot light on you, and it feels nice. He’s like warm summer weather. But then the sun coming through the magnifying glass gets hotter and hotter and eventually it burns you. It will get better, you think. But it doesn’t get better, because he is no good.

Second: You do a lot of things for him, and get nothing in return.

You are a good romantic friend. You do things, and you expect little in return. You think eventually all this kindness and all these favors will result in him being better and nicer, that eventually he will fall in love with you and start being good. But if he’s not being good now, he’s probably not going to be good later. Because he is a no good, magnifying glass-wielding, maniac goblin child.

Third: Sometimes when you’re around him you feel like you are going crazy.

This is because he is manipulative. He goes to great lengths to keep you captivated by him. He gives you compliments, he makes a lot of promises. But when you question anything he does, he piles on the guilt. And then you feel bad for expecting too much. This is modern dating, you think. I have to be chill. But guess what! You don’t have to be chill. In the words of the glorious Alana Massey: chill “is a garbage virtue that will destroy the species.”

Fourth: You actually know he’s no good, deep down, because you always do this.

You know your selection process is questionable. You always seem to find the bad ones and get behind them. You hope they will change. But they never change. You wonder why this happens. You think it’s because you secretly enjoy drama. Is this healthy? Maybe not. But it’s fun. You’re like an emotional tourist, seeking out new feelings and experiences.

Fifth: People are telling you he’s no good.

People like BuzzFeed (which is really a whole lot of people) and also your parents and also, most importantly — your friends. You’re so caught up in the drama and excitement and giddiness and crashing-and-burning that it’s easy to lose perspective. You know you deserve better than this. This guy is not acting right. It’s time to banish him.

So we agree he’s no good? Cool, perfect. Here is the song to finish.

Thank you and good night.

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