Stop! Beware! This post contains spoilers for Harry Potter and the Cursed Child! Proceed at your own risk.
Look. Whether you loved it or you hated it, there are still a HUGE number of things we need to sit down and discuss.
1. The obvious sexual tension between Scorpius and Albus.
If you didn’t see it, then I think we may have been reading different scripts. Honestly, I was expecting these two to make out in practically every single scene.
2. The timeline of Hagrid at Godric’s Hollow doesn’t add up.
According to the canon of the first seven books, when Hagrid rocked up to collect baby Harry, Sirius was already there. He gave Hagrid his motorbike and set off to find Peter Pettigrew and seek vengeance. But in The Cursed Child, Harry & Co. watch Hagrid come get baby H from an empty house. WHAT?
3. SURELY, SURELY, Voldemort and Bella couldn’t have had sex.
I definitely feel like JKR wrote the original Voldemort character as totally sex-less. His soul was split into EIGHT PIECES and you’re trying to tell me that he still had a working dick with enough Voldy juice to MAKE A BABY? I just don’t buy it. I also feel like he had much, much better things to do than get down and dirty with Bellatrix at Malfoy Manor. It’s not like he felt like he needed an heir, he had seven goddamn horcruxes.
4. Imagine if Harry had a vision of them having sex, though.
Think about it. Delphi was probably conceived around the time of Half-Blood Prince. This was the time that Harry was having all those connections with Voldemort. Whenever the Dark Lord had a huge surge of emotion (either extreme joy or anger), Harry had a vision of what he was seeing. And the feeling of an orgasm is up there with extreme joy. Just saying.
5. Who let Rodolphus out of Azkaban?
Delphi tells her dear old dad that Rodolphus was the one who told her all about the prophecy when he got out of Azkaban. But… how did he get out? Pretty sure he was imprisoned for life after the Battle of Hogwarts for being a very high ranking Death Eater. (Also… why was he totally fine with his wife banging the Dark Lord while he just moped around Malfoy Manor?)
6. And who made this prophecy?
Surely if it was Trelawney’s work, we would have known about it. Who made it and who told Rodolphus, presumably while he was locked up in prison?
7. Hermione being a grumpy-guts teacher just because Ron didn’t love her.
C’mon. Are you really trying to tell me that HERMIONE JEAN GRANGER becoming Minister for Magic depends on HER LOVE LIFE???!!! I get that the story is trying to say how great Ron and Hermione are as a couple and he was able to support her to live her dreams blah blah blah. Sorry. Hermione don’t need no man. If she hadn’t married Ron she may have even become Minister faster, without him slowing her down.
8. Why was Ron reduced to being a bumbling, food-loving fool once again?
First we had to deal with all eight movies making Ron into “Harry Potter’s best friend who is just here for comic relief” and now we have to put up with it in the play too? #NotJustASidekick
9. Cedric did not deserve that besmirching of his name.
I’m not even a Hufflepuff, and I was DEEPLY offended by Cedric’s path in one of the alternate realities we saw. IN WHAT GODDAMN WORLD WOULD PURE, INNOCENT, GOLDEN-HEARTED CEDRIC BECOME A DEATH EATER? Just because he was embarrassed in front of his school? Is that a good enough reason to go on and HELP VOLDEMORT WIN? AND KILL NEVILLE? Ugh. It literally makes no sense.
11. Snape is STILL not a hero.
Snape is not a nice guy. In the original canon and also in this play. HE CALLED HERMIONE AVERAGE! But also that Dementor scene brought up the whole “Is Snape A Hero” debate once more. And let me tell you: still no. Sure, he died for ~the greater good~ but it doesn’t erase the years of abuse he unleashed on his students for literally no reason.
12. Ron and Padma.
Lmao Panju. Alright JK. Alright.
14. Albus had to kiss his aunt.
15. Why was Rose so absent?
She turned up at the beginning to add in a few lines, but honestly, she just seemed like she was there as a big flashing reminder that Scorpius and Albus weren’t ever going to hook up. JK Rowling, I expected better. Does this play even pass the Bechdel test?
16. Um, since when can you just transfigure into another person?
Surely this option could have changed a lot of things in the first two Wizarding Wars. Also, doesn’t this negate the need for Polyjuice Potion?
17. Harry and Ginny’s no sugar diet.
WHAT KIND OF MUGGLE NONSENSE IS THAT?